On missing people

I suppose it is important to have people who love you unconditionally in order for you to feel...replete, shall we say.

Be forewarned, this post is a tad pensive, as am I at present.

See the thing is, I rather miss talking to the people I love. My parents, my sister, my in laws and even my sister in law. I've stopped communicating with all of them a few months back, I had explosive situations with all of them in the same month. My parents refused to take my calls. My sister refused to acknowledge her extreme display of disrespect. My in laws, well, I don't quite know if they realize why exactly I am not speaking to them, And my sister in law neither loves me nor cares whether I am in her life or not. Just so long as her brother is.

Ironically, each of these people I have loved (and still love), like I've never loved in my life. while I am not one for small time chit chat over the phone, nor for sharing what is on my mind or why I maybe feeling down in the dumps unless inclined to, I have always, only ever thought about the welfare and happiness of these people. And I tried in any and every way to help them fulfill whatever they desired at any point in time. Interested in learning how to bake? Here's an assortment of cookbooks. Like birds? Here's a birdhouse for your garden. Don't splurge on yourself? Here's an expensive pair of sunglasses. When I learned to crochet, the first thing I did was make stuff for my family to use. Scarves, sweaters, beanies...and so forth. It has been 2.5yrs since  and I've yet to make anything for myself.

It is limitless, the list of things I have done and ways in which I have tried to show just how deeply I care. These things I'm aware, sound extremely superficial. However in order to get them I squashed deep down my own desires. My own wants. My own possible luxuries.

A few months ago I realised, shortly after the hideous occurrences, that something was very wrong with me indeed to have let things get this far. To be taken so much for granted. I mean you always take the ones you love for granted but things had reached another level. And it reflected strongly in the state of my health both physical and mental. I had no sense of self worth, extremely low self esteem and was very unhappy. It reflected in my weight which had ballooned to 150 kgs. I had to do something. I had to look after myself first. I would die shortly otherwise.

My father once said to me, that people probably look at me and snicker because I look like a "freak" I was that fat.

Up until he said so I still possessed a sliver of self confidence/esteem. Thereafter I lost what I had and am still struggling really hard to get it back. Truth be told I don't quite know how to recover.

So I stopped communicating with everyone all at once. Maybe someday my parents may miss me and want to call.Maybe they will go beyond my flaws and see me as I am and love me anyway. Maybe someday my sisters will let me know they're sorry and mean it. Maybe my in laws will realize I love them like i do my own parents treat me like their own daughter.Maybe they will stop doing or saying the little things that hurt big. Maybe my husband will understand why I can't bear to meet them.

Maybe they won't. Any of them.

I however have to persist in what I am doing. I have to take care of myself and I am really trying,
Only thing is I have almost no one to talk to and theres a void, see, inside my heart. But I am getting better I think. Maybe. Or numb.

Lonely.

Anyone would be lonely if the people they talked to almost everyday or every week were absent. It is a hole nothing seems to be filling. A diet rich in good shit and not in McDonald's doesn't help.

How to be happy, That is the question. That is the path. That is what I am traveling.

Running for my life

So I abhor exercise. I hate gyms. With the thin people working out, the trainers giving incorrect and often damaging advice and horror of all horrors, all the mirrors.

I love swimming, its the only thing I appear graceful doing. I get compliments all the time. However monsoon season is here and that isn't an option anymore so I downloaded an app called the couch to 5K and started doing what they asked me to.

See I'd heard of someone cholesterol levels go from really abnormal to ridiculously normal in a matter of 6 months after they took up running. Plus the levels didn't change no matter how much shellfish they ate as long as they kept running. Sounds like the perfect situation.

Now I've always wanted to be one of those women you see running along the road, wearing really hot outfits and looking like they need to be force fed french fries. SO I figured why not give it a go. It was an 8 week program and currently i am in my 6th week. I took longer than most people I guess. Given my current lofty weight reading I think I'm doing ok.

So far the best thing that has happened because of it is that my resting heart rate has gone down from over 110/min to 80/min which is good.

I'm sure the rest will follow. They had better. Of course I'm not quite sure what they are but you get the drift.

I run at odd times. Earlier it was in the peak afternoon, but I got so tanned you couldn't tell where my hair started and face ended, so i changed to running at night. The main intent was i did not wish to be seen. Or mocked. I look rather like the Gym workout balls rolling along. Also my run is more of a bouncy jog than anything else, but its what I am able to do so far and it sure as hell beats sitting on the couch watching soaps.
(Riveting as they are I've cut my cable connection to avoid them)

What followed was a desire to run the race I was supposed to last year. Not with the intent of winning because I dont believe there are prizes in my category but just to run the entire length of 6 Kms.

Last year I didnt think I could do it. This year I am going to. For the first time last week I ran 3 Kms and i could, for the first time, picture myself running and finishing! It was a lovely picture.

How I am going to end the year

Since the year 2001 I've made the same resolutions every year.
Every year I fail, albeit spectacularly, to achieve any of aforementioned goals.

This year is different

The goals are more or less similar to their predecessors. However my approach has altered dramatically, It is what a great friend of mine calls "Being Awesome".

Consider the following aspirations :

1. Reach my goal weight (a recurrent goal) and change my lifestyle (Sigh. I will sorely miss being lazy and eating McDonald's meals)
2. Reverse Non Alcoholic Steatotic Hepatitis (Fatty liver caused by being overweight, quite reversible, I almost never drink. It eating that may kill me)
3. Rid my dog of the tick fever bug (he is a rescue German shepherd with only one ear hence named Vincent after Van Gogh. He has a resistant strain of Babesiosis)
4. Run a short race in an upcoming national half marathon in my city wearing apparel from Nike ( Ironically, not designed for the obese and those really in need of a workout)
5. Obtain edible vegetables from my new kitchen garden (already got some spinach! )
6. Learn how to bake delicious cookies
7. Have as much sex as I did 12 years back (a lot, a LOT. More effort required)
8. Wear Jeans (stopped in 2002 when I saw how I looked)
9. Finish my outline for the children's book I have in mind  (sometimes a plot comes up and then goes, usually by the time I've left the John)
10. At least try to apply what I've read (and continue to read) about the meaning of life and meditations and the path to spiritual awakening (AKA the best cup of coffee ever)
11. Oh yeah, get over my fear of mirrors and other assorted reflective surfaces
12. Don't sweat the small shit. Or the big. Just don't sweat, period.
Yes, that about sums it up.

I have almost until the end of 2016 to sort this shit out. The race is on 20.11.16. I had reached up to getting my running bib last year but did not go for the actual race. This year I shall.

Welcome to my journey ladies and gentlemen.