Better late than never!!

Hello!!!!

I know, I've been irregular. In my defense a lot has been going on here! For one thing a couple of days after I spoke to my mother, she landed in my city with my Dad! Met them, clarified a few things and am now in possession of a lighter heart. Isn't that the best feeling? Patched up with lil sis as well. Plus my Mom in law managed to charm me into being my former self with her by talking about some of the things we have in common. So things are good on the family front. Sister in law messaged me asking for some help and I complied , not because I give a damn but because I never refuse help if possible, it is a principle I have followed since high school and still do. Sure sometimes I get taken advantage of but that's alright because for one thing, their karma is on them and another I have finally figured out where to draw the line.

Now I have not been able to run for almost 3 weeks. Mainly because I was laid up with the flu, and when I was better Hubby was sick. So mothering the poor boy and now he is better.

Best part? We are going on vacation! To Leh in the state of Jammu & Kashmir, India. Hubby and I have been planning this trip for over a decade. Granted we had originally planned to make it a fun road trip but the route lies through Kashmir, where clashes are ongoing so no go. We're flying to and fro and going for a period of 10 days. Vincent, my over friendly GSD with be going to a boarding house where his former friends live and so should be quite comfy. Although we keep looking at him and feeling guilty and sorry for ourselves 'cos we will miss him. He is our shadow. He has gained enough weight so I can't see or feel his ribs jutting out anymore and that makes me please as punch.

Still haven't told our families about him. However my parents maybe coming to visit soon and they will know then. My hubby hilariously predicted the reactions of both sets of Moms pretty accurately I think. I just don't care.

The other day He and I were slow dancing to "Fools rush in" in our PJs and we dipped towards Vincent twice and he got all excited and put each of his fore paws on our wrists and danced with us. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world. We repeated the same performance later that day.

Happy birthday to The King of horror!! (my BFF told me about that and is sending me IT!! I wanted it for my next bday but man that chick is prompt. Gotta love her and thank the Lord for giving me such a pal.)

My mom even noticed that I'd lost weight!! And I have, 14kgs to be precise, nearly 20kgs to be almost exact. I started checking  only about 6 weeks back so that's pretty good progress! Hubby was so pleased he had moist eyes. Gotta love the man.

Lights will guide you home....

One of my childhood friends wrote about a song she felt was special. She thought the post was blah but I strongly disagree.

For instance listen to this one.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try....fix you.
- Coldplay

I'm sure this song needs no introduction. When it plays, my heart is at peace. Goosebumps all over.

I feel there is a higher power out there. I'm not sure how to define it exactly. But when you listen to this song, close your eyes now, and just feel. Then it is like someone is saying to you, I'm here for you. Someone, something, far more powerful than we can imagine any human being. It will make you shiver. It will bring you comfort. It says listen to me follow the lights (not in LOTR way). They will bring you home. Perhaps it is what people describe dying is like. Lots of light. We all need lights in our lives. Dispel the darkness. Keep us sane. Deliver us from our worries.

Yesterday I had one of those wonderful things called heart to hearts with my best friend from school. At the end, she said very wisely (BTW she has been wise since we were in 7th grade), that yes we would do well to make friends with life, instead of fighting it. If we fight it, it makes things more difficult. We were speaking in the context of how to successfully do the backstroke while swimming. Somehow it made sense that this principle applies to life too. Strange eh?

Look for the lights good people. In your life, in your hearts, in your path.

On why we must question absolutely everything.

"To identify oneself with a particular race, country or with certain ideologies yields security, satisfaction and flattering self importance. The worship of the part instead of the whole, cultivates antagonism, conflict and confusion" - J.Krishnamurthi, 4th June, 1944

Too often we tend to follow(somewhat blindly) other people's philosophies. Mostly because it is all handed to us on a platter. So there is no need for us to think. Worship thy parents. But why? They chose to bring us into the world, to bring us up. We didn't ask for it. Then why is constant obligation heaped on us? Why are we made to hear of all the sacrifices made during our care? Just because one is a parent doesn't make them worthy of worship. They make mistakes too, in their own interest. Their mistakes affect their children more than anyone else in the world. Do they pay for their mistakes? In some ways by Karma's laws probably. Do they ever admit their mistakes? No. Well not in my experience anyway.

Worship God and you shall be set free. But according to several religious books, apparently God had set us a bunch of rules. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Thou shalt not to this and thou ought to do this. If worshiping God is going to set us free then why are all these rules set up to keep us bound during our lifetime? I don't think a God would bind us, He/She would want us to be free, always.

Do this prayer, pay this amount to a priest, convert your religion, marry only once, marry multiple times, give your wife an orgasm every Friday, abstain from sex (do it only to propagate), die killing the heathen and you will go straight to heaven, fight for your rights, thou shall not commit murder, love everyone, thou shall not commit adultery, God is ever with you, Thou shall not take the name of the Lord in vain.

None of it makes sense. But people do what they will do regardless.

What does make sense? To me anyway?

Being kind when you can
Compassion
watching the petals of a flower unfurl
Seeing the blades of grass bend in the wind
Helping anyone you can, indeed going out of your way to do so.
Love. Not possessiveness, pure love.
Being good to animals.
Being good to yourself
Forgiving others even when they don't apologize or indeed see any issue with their actions
Forgiving yourself for what you consider your failures
Being happy. For no reason whatsoever.

How come no one ever talks about being happy? Isn't that one of the most important things in the world? I would have thought given how unhappy we are, so much so that we need to take happy pills, how to be happy in one's skin is the most important question of the hour.

But it's' not. Well, not unless we make it.

We sometimes fear to question the principles put forth by people considered the "higher authority" on spiritual matters. I think it maybe mostly because of the horde of unthinking masses standing behind them Questions are not welcome, for fear that one day someone will ask a question so deep it will defy every superficial answer there is. And then of course there is the chance that someone from the horde will wake up and starting finding a valid point or two in the questions.

Do not let that deter you one bit. Better to stand away from the crowd and be using your own brain than meld in and depend on someone else's. 

Once someone I know (who follows a given ideology) informed me that according to their principles, a soul only enters the body of a fetus once it is 7 months old. I said for me there is life the first time I see a patient's fetus's heart beating on the ultrasound monitor.

What I didn't say at the time (because the lady in question was pregnant), was that in the case of women who miscarry, the pain, the grief is just as difficult to bear in the first trimester as it is in the last. Someone who has miscarried, will carry that unborn kid, the hope that died within, for the rest of their life, no matter how many other children they may bear.

Who would mourn a soulless being? OF course I do know of people who mourn the scratches on their car just as they would anything else. But still.

It is important, to question. Question everything. Use your brain. No matter how many people tell you no to think so much or doubt (the preferred word) the path, still I urge you to question. And if the "higher authority" has no answers, do not despair. Answers will come to you if only you care of look. To keep searching, to read. I cannot emphasize the importance of reading. Read, understand, read again, understand differently...keep reading. And if the books you read fail to provide answers, still don't worry, don't worry at all. IF you are searching, the answers will come to you of their own accord. You are all so don't doubt the knowledge that comes to you once to start to wake up and think.

Wake up. It is time.

(*winter is here* hahaha)

Of a happy husband

There are few things that gladden your heart as much as seeing the ones you love happy because of you.

I had the wonderful chance to make my husband happy. And it wasn't because of the Changezi chicken I made.

No indeed. We had an in depth discussion about why I was refusing to speak to any of my family. And when I planned to do so. Because you see, it was obvious to him that I was miserable anyway. So why no let my heart be lighter by at least trying to start talking to them? By them he meant both sets of parents. I said because they are not sorry about how they treated me. He then told me how sad my in laws were every time he went to visit them and I wasn't there with him. He told me how his mom once mistakenly saw her mobile ringing and thought it was me and her heart was filled with joy. He told they had told him to come with me or to not come at all.

So I called my parents first. I had a word with my mother who blatantly claimed all the things I felt bad about were in my imagination and never happened. So there wasn't much to it then. She spoke to my husband and that was that. I called her again today and told her I loved her and missed her and was sorry if I had hurt her feelings. I didn't get much of a response. Of course it stung but what was I to do?

I called my mother in law and spoke quite normally. Asked what was for dinner, how she is and what was going on. for the most part she sounded stunned. But she did try hard to talk as normally as possible. Then in her eagerness she asked me what we were doing the next day and to come home and I hesitated and said her son wanted to speak to her. I hear her thanking him profusely.

So that was that. I miss home dearly. Both homes. They are equally precious to me. But I am not ready to go there yet. It is good to know they are there though. For the time being that will do.

I cannot tell you how relieved my husband was. He said a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he was most pleased. He said its ok if I'm not ready to meet anyone. I can take my time. Which I appreciate. I wish to meet my in laws on the 20th of November. After I run that race. When I have something to show for my time spent in relative solitude. Maybe that day I'll send a picture of myself to my parents as well. IF I look fitter they too will feel as if a weight has been lifted off their shoulders. Perhaps. One can only speculate.

Meanwhile last night being my one cheat day in the week my husband surprised me with cheese balls as well as cheddar cheese microwave popcorn for our movie night. I said but I didn't follow the diet so strictly this week. To which his reply was that we can at least do justice by the cheat day. Most amusing. I had taken out our double comforter which had been in the wash and put away the single ones we were using and we had great cuddlytimes. Truth be told it was the most fun I'd had in months.

Here's to love, and to being the bigger person.

Of course my sister and sis in law had called in the past but I refused to answer so in their case I'm small. Just don't want to be hurt again.

Off track

It is easy to get tired of the difficult path you are supposed to travel on and give yourself a break. Particularly when the other areas of your life are also in disarray. But the important thing is to keep pushing.

And that is exactly what I have not been doing. It is so easy to get distracted, fall into the well of self pity and what not. Then I sit and weep and not amount of sitcoms can help! That really is rock bottom.

But today I slept a lot. A LOT. After I finally woke up, I felt different. Not sorry for myself or my situation. Just normal. And guilty as fuck. Yes thats a feeling ingrained into us. If not being productive, must feel guilty. I swear sometimes I wish I had been born European. They chill out without even having done hard work prior to!

Anyway, I can sense the dark shift in my husband's mood. He got me my dog, he is letting me be and is supporting me in every possible way so as to help me achieve my goals and As of now I'm at a standstill. Well I will see his face turn into my parent's disappointed faces no more.

Enough said.

Vincent - the over friendly German Shepherd

looking out the windows of his little house :)

So we took Vincent to the vet today as he has been walking with difficulty since last night. The vet was kind and after a thorough check up felt that my boy was suffering from a muscle sprain. He has advised medications and feels that in sometime he will recover.

The vet said that he has suffered in his life, he maybe between 5-7yrs of age, from what could be made out from his teeth, but due to him also suffering from gingivitis it was hard to tell. He also has a swelling in the distal part of his foreleg and the vet wants us to get it x-rayed to get an idea of the mass. His worst fear is my own as well. Cancer. Bony cancers are difficult to manage and I am praying it is benign. His muscle mass to bone ratio is also skewed and I am trying my best to help correct it by giving him a good diet. He is already on a lot of medicines so the doctor didn't want to put him on anything too strong right now.

Vincent was a total champ throughout the examination. No muzzle required. Not once did he snap or growl or express pain or displeasure. He is in pain I know, I can see it but he refuses to stop following us around the house. He was very friendly with the vet and his assistants and they rewarded him for his cooperation with a biscuit after eating which he promptly tried to climb up to the larder in search of more.

I am very worried. It doesn't bother me that he maybe older than I had first thought, its just that the very thought that I may have lesser time with him than I originally hoped for saddens me. But I am going to try my best to help my boy regain his health. After what he has been through he deserves all the happiness in the world.

Vincent Van Gogh the second

That is my dog's name.

He is an adult rescued German Shepherd dog. He was once someone's fluffy bundle of joy, I guess. Till he wasn't. He was abandoned and found wandering the dirty bylanes of the slums with a ear that was half eaten by maggots, several wounds and raging tick fever. He was taken to a shelter and thereafter rescued from there by a kind woman who added him to her menagerie at the pet boarding house she runs. He was treated, cared for and loved. However she strongly felt he was the type of dog who would bond far better with a human of his own as opposed to the other more rambunctious dogs who were happy in each other's company. She tried very hard to get him adopted but because of the missing ear there were no takers.

So hubby and I brought him home to be the third member of our family.

From the day he has come he has surprised us with his gentlemanly nature and good manners. He is leash trained. Toilet trained. In the month and some days that he has been with us he has only peed twice in the house. He is a fast learner as long as there are treats in sight or smell. He has learnt how to come when called, to sit and say hello. He is trying to learn how to stay and lie down. Little children come to our house to play with him!!

After we got him, in a week I realised something. He already loved us. A week ago we were complete strangers to him. For a week we had fed him, loved him, played with him, given him his own house and a warm bed. That was all it had taken for him to become our shadow.It was so easy for him to love us and show it in his sometimes obvious, sometimes hidden manner.

Then there are people. No matter how much we love them or for how long they don't get it. They don't understand the value of love.

And then I get asked why I prefer to be the one talking to the dog at a party instead of mixing in.