Shall we resume?

I was wondering if  I should start writing again. 

I did write a book. Its gone for submissions to publishers. 

I miss my blog. 

should I begin again? 

Hormonal imbalances ?

Hormonal imbalances is a phrase I use quite frequently in my interactions with patients. That is because it happens that often, Hormonal imbalances can cause all kinds of menstrual issues, mood swings, unpredictable behaviour etc.

I have been having the worst possible mood swings lately. I doubt it is due to hormonal imbalances but the strangeness in my mind is bothering me. One minute I love someone and the next minute I cannot stand them. One minute I am happy in the moment and in the next I am so deep in despair I fear for my happiness and of that of those around me. Also for their safety. I am prone to throwing things around when upset, the more breakable the better.

See the thing is, my mom is here, after about 6 months. I haven't been home in 4 yrs because I don't like the anxious look on my parent's face when they see me still fat. They worry and can't hide it. I understand now because when I see them  i too look out for certain things. Is their hair any grayer than before? are they walking slower than before? Have they gained or lost weight? Is there a trace of a limp in their gait? I try not to give away my anxiety by my expressions, but maybe I do. I feel very sad indeed. And then I feel irrationally angry. Angry at all the people who's parents live near them, such as my husband and his sister.

 They get to see their parents whenever they want. They get hugged and kissed and made a fuss over by their folks and they get to hug their parents and feel and hear their heart beating and know that as long as their parents are around, there is nothing to be sad about.

They don't get to experience the shock i feel every time I see my parents older, slighter smaller looking, slightly more mellow.

 They get to serve their parents, help them out in day to day matters whenever feasible. Meanwhile my mom is in hospital wracked with pain, unable to walk and I don't even know about it because they won't tell me because i am far and will worry.

They can even call their parents anytime they are low or their parents are low. if that happens then they can go over to see them, hold their hands or give them a hug. i can't do that. I cant even let my  parents know if i am sad or if i have something on my mind and likewise neither can they. 

My mom used to walk nearly 12 kms a day, in parts, for fun and exercise. Now she can barely get around. It breaks my heart to see it. I can't imagine how she is managing at home, with no domestic help whatsoever. My parents have never nagged us to come visit them, They mention it once in a rare while but then don't repeat themselves. Meanwhile parents here can't end one visit from their kids without trying to confirm the next. which I find annoying. probably because it is not my own folks.  I understand wanting to see your kids as much as you can. I really do. I cant blame them. My feeling of annoyance comes from being unable to see my mother and father. My irrational anger at my husband is because of this.

Of course I am always guilty in my mind. I should go visit. I should call more often. I should delve into the nitty gritty details of their life. I should and I will.

On another note, I have completed 10/52 books I meant to read this year. i present to you the January and February 2017 roundup.

52 weeks, 52 books.

 I love to read. However in the past few years I've gone from being a voracious reader to being a sitcom watcher. Probably because I needed the laughs. I did not want to think. Now that was foolish. Now I just want to read. And read and read and read and think and write, however poorly.

So one bright day in the middle of the first week of January, I decided to read a book, any book my heart desired, for every week in the year. Now I forgot to count just how many weeks there were in this year but I figured 52 ought to cover it. My husband asked me why, what good would it do? (he doesn't like to read books.)

So I told him...

Imagine a bloody fool of a person. He/she has to get from point A to point B. Now this is a real idiot we're talking about here. So to get from point A to B there is only one way. He/She has to go through each week of the year, reading a book. Any book. So say that number is 52. By the time He/She ploughs through 52 books, reaches point B, He/she will be a different person. Maybe not altogether rid of their idiocy but close enough. There is no way that reading that many books will fail to improve the mind of even a bloody fool. And Therefore, it stands to reason it would improve my mind as well, to some extent. I'm not sure I explained it as well as I wanted, and I'm not sure he understood how meaningful it is to read. Of course if you were to Google "what are the benefits of reading?" you would come up with a million answers. Better answers. But I will try to explain, in my own clumsy way, what I feel when I read.

See one thing I have understood and have tried to apply in my life is this. People are always going through difficult situations in life. For anyone, if it is not one thing then its another. It changes things, behaviours, reactions, desires. Moods. I ought to know considering I am one of the moodiest people I know. So if someone had issues with you, despite you loving them (which ought to be enough really, but isn't) and doesn't want to sort it out with you, even if you come out and ask them what the problem is...there isn't much you can do about it. I find it best to just step out of their lives if your being in them is a cause for negativity.

Step away. If someone wants you or values you in their life, they will connect with you when their head is straight. These are their issues. And one can never assume what someone is thinking no matter how obvious it may seem. You really never know. If said person doesn't want you in their life then they will make that obvious too. And do you really want to be a part of someones life when they don't want you in it? I think not.

So far the third week of January is nearly over and I'm done with 3 books. Will post a pic later. Tomorrow a new one. I'm excited.

what I hope for 2017

In the middle of last year (2016), I had expressed a desire to achieve certain goals. Sadly but not unexpectedly I fell short of several. Nonetheless you will never see me quit. I'll just continue them as far as I can. Some I have reached.

1. Reach my goal weight (a recurrent goal) and change my lifestyle (Sigh. I will sorely miss being lazy and eating McDonald's meals)
2. Reverse Non Alcoholic Steatotic Hepatitis (Fatty liver caused by being overweight, quite reversible, I almost never drink. It eating that may kill me)
3. Rid my dog of the tick fever bug (he is a rescue German shepherd with only one ear hence named Vincent after Van Gogh. He has a resistant strain of Babesiosis)
4. Run a short race in an upcoming national half marathon in my city wearing apparel from Nike ( Ironically, not designed for the obese and those really in need of a workout)
5. Obtain edible vegetables from my new kitchen garden (already got some spinach! )
6. Learn how to bake delicious cookies
7. Have as much sex as I did 12 years back (a lot, a LOT. More effort required)
8. Wear Jeans (stopped in 2002 when I saw how I looked)
9. Finish my outline for the children's book I have in mind  (sometimes a plot comes up and then goes, usually by the time I've left the John)
10. At least try to apply what I've read (and continue to read) about the meaning of life and meditations and the path to spiritual awakening (AKA the best cup of coffee ever)
11. Oh yeah, get over my fear of mirrors and other assorted reflective surfaces
12. Don't sweat the small shit. Or the big. Just don't sweat, period.

The good thing is i am already working on several of these. For instance I'm running and eating clean. Except on Sundays when I indulge. and I've added another few ways to improve myself.
Read a book for every week there is in the year. 52 weeks, 52 books. More on that later.
 What are your wishes? Can I help attain them? Do you have a problem? Let me know. I will help to the best of my ability.

of husbands and wives

Before we were married, my (now) husband and I were together for around 8 yrs. We saw people meet in front of us, get married in front of us and we hoped we would wed too, someday. Prior to our wedding, we were constantly informed about how difficult marriage is, how many compromises there are to be made, how the initial years are lousy and filled with strife and so on and so forth. Somehow, we were not discouraged, we paid little, if any heed to such dire warnings. We believed we would be happy together. We held on to this belief, no matter what and ultimately, we were proven right. So far anyway.


I see so many young people divorcing. Preferring to live in as opposed to marry. And I genuinely understand that. Marriage comes with a lot of expectations. From people you barely know. And there is the same expectation from  your side as well. Expectations ruin relationships. But more than that judgment does the job. Indian sons in law are treated like Gods, no less. Indian Daughter in laws are not. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is harder to watch your husband be treated like a king by both sets of parents.

You are nowhere, really. In your in laws house, you become a villain who has created distances, literal and otherwise, between your husband and his parents, his sister, his entire family. As the Daughter in law you become quite perplexed as to what it is you have done. Despite putting your husband and his entire family first, even above your own self, you are outcast. Blocked. It hurts. To have no one to share this with. To not have the will to continue doing anything for people who's first judgment about you is usually negative and sequestered within their selves until it all comes out in a torrent one fine day and you are left stunned. No matter how much you love and care it is not enough.

 It is harder still when your parents live abroad and your passport has expired and been rejected for renewal because you don't have the necessary documents because, in essence, you belong nowhere. Sometimes a hug from your mom or dad is what you want but can't have.

What makes me continue?

It is my husband and the million little things he says or does (mostly does, given that he is a man of few words).

The way he makes me a cup of tea when I feel like one.
The way  he tries, desperately, to warm my hands and feet with his own, usually warm ones.
The way he comes and joins me in he kitchen and gives me a hug or a kiss when I cook
The way he eats and appreciates everything i make for him.
The way he encourages me.
"why aren't you writing anymore babe?"
"because its all coming out sad."
"that will change. Keep writing"

The way he tells me to put myself first, take time out to go run because I really want to. That it's ok even if i can't cook that day or any others.
The way he plays with our dog.
The way he thinks me reading is amazing.
The way he cuddles with me on the couch weekend after weekend watching movies and eating good food, homemade or otherwise
The way he agreed to try sushi and even liked it. 
The way he understands everything I feel without me having to say anything.
The way he laughs
The way he suddenly looks at me and says I'm cute.
The way he gets anxious about what to get me for my birthday. And how relieved he is when i tell him exactly what I want.
The way he helps me make the bed, clean the house, sort the laundry. Cos i am a terrible housekeeper.
The way he lets me pick out weekend snacks because I follow a strict diet during the week.

There are a million little things. The way he helps me tie my shoelaces because mine come undone. 

Marriage is fun. You have someone. And the legality of it leaves no on in any doubt as to who you are, no matter how you are treated. In your husband's eyes, you are his life partner. That means a lot more than most people complaining about marriage seem to understand. Imagine having a best friend with whom you can be exactly yourself. That's what marriage is. You really just need to love each other and trust each other. Yes I'm too young. But I'm right.
 

How to clean your house. Lessons learned.

Here's what I've learned about how to clean a house on Diwali, rather for it :
1. You can never ever get ahead of the laundry. As long as you wish to be hygienic, there will always be something.
2. Dust can get into crockery EVEN IF IT IS BEHIND A GLASS CABINET WHICH IS NEVER OPENED! And that shit never just dusts away,no no, you have to wash everything with soap n water! Makes me want to eat off leaves and drink from my palms!
3. Dust is the enemy. Not religion or politics or corruption, just dust. Get it off of everything and you are going places!
4. When you finish cleaning one section of the house, and then proceed to another, be aware that by the time you are done with the latter, the former will be wanting cleaning again owing to DARK MAGIC. It is the evil in the world mocking you for mocking It.
5. The people you PAY to clean your house clearly dont do their job well so that's something to think about. I mean if i wanted to hover and make you clean I'd just do it myself! So I did!
6. Better to use your fancy China every single day. If it breaks then what the hell. One less dish to dust come Diwali.
7. Be sure to have a handy set of sitcoms on your lappy or hard drive to keep you cheered up because lemme tell you, you are bound to go into a rage once you see just how much work is there even with a maid!
8. The people you hire to clean stuff like fans or in my case cobwebs (I can't, where will the spiders go?) Won't do a halfway decent job. They will work in the evening after their usual shift and you won't be able to see clearly and you'll think oh good job and this is with your husband watching and agreeing (and he can spot dirt a mile away). The next morning, you will see the crap is mostly still where it was.
9. The nice news is the spiders are pretty tough little buggers. They come back!
10. Try not to fly off the handle when your mom mocks you over the fone saying hahaha I'm all done cos I do it myself everyday anyway! You should do it too. Yeah right.
11. If your little toes are fractured, it is not a good idea to kick the vaccum cleaner repeatedly when it pisses you off. Screen you Eureka Forbes. You sold us crap in a can.
12. Throw out all clothes (donate)that you haven't worn in the past year or ever! Detach from your worldly material possessions (except your books).
13. Keep at it. Come the festival of lights, feel satisfied and go to McDonald's. You deserve it.

Cleanliness is next to....is it?

So the festival of lights is coming up. And that means, above everything else, a complete and thorough house cleaning. And De-cluttering. This year since I am not cooking, I am going to go into cleaning overdrive and bring some much needed good energy to my home.

Naturally I started by making a list, a really long list at that. So thats done! Now all i need to do is execute it.

Ugh


I can also think of it as a workout in some ways. I guess I should factor in the gardening cum reorganizing of the plants I did yesterday. Lifting up cement pots all by myself really took it out of me and now my body is hurting like crazy. Back is out, one hip joint is out but that garden sure does look lovely! Got the maid to clean it too so it looks relatively clean. Repotted my lemon sapling, which I grew from seed!! Got scratched up separating all the climbing plants such as pumpkin, gourds etc from the other plants and thus preventing them from sucking the life out of them. put the tall plants in one balcony so nothing could climb on them and the shorter ones in the other. My maid aunty was horrified when she got to know I'd lifted the pots alone, she insisted we do it together next time. She is busy repotting my tomatoes and cauliflowers/radishes. she seemed pleased with the re-organization as well.


Called my MIL. Tried to make conversation with her but it was v.difficult. I couldn't think of anything to say and clearly neither could she. She had nothing to say and there was in fact a 3 minute silence, after which I figured I would have to ask something, so I asked  about her maid, how that was working out. Asked about her health to which as usual I got the standard, everything is great, no complains. Told her we were still kind of getting over the flu...told her I had got 2 okras from our garden.


It was difficult. I am not good at small talk. She also seems reluctant to share stuff or talk freely. I'm sure that is partly my own doing given how difficult I can get. But I can make the occasional call, its no bother. It is not as difficult to be cordial as one may think. I can do it. I can.

Monday onwards am starting my diet starts again, 13 days. Till the day before Diwali. The day of Diwali is a break/cheat day.

Lets hope I can do it well this time around!