Hormonal imbalances is a phrase I use quite frequently in my interactions with patients. That is because it happens that often, Hormonal imbalances can cause all kinds of menstrual issues, mood swings, unpredictable behaviour etc.
I have been having the worst possible mood swings lately. I doubt it is due to hormonal imbalances but the strangeness in my mind is bothering me. One minute I love someone and the next minute I cannot stand them. One minute I am happy in the moment and in the next I am so deep in despair I fear for my happiness and of that of those around me. Also for their safety. I am prone to throwing things around when upset, the more breakable the better.
See the thing is, my mom is here, after about 6 months. I haven't been home in 4 yrs because I don't like the anxious look on my parent's face when they see me still fat. They worry and can't hide it. I understand now because when I see them i too look out for certain things. Is their hair any grayer than before? are they walking slower than before? Have they gained or lost weight? Is there a trace of a limp in their gait? I try not to give away my anxiety by my expressions, but maybe I do. I feel very sad indeed. And then I feel irrationally angry. Angry at all the people who's parents live near them, such as my husband and his sister.
They get to see their parents whenever they want. They get hugged and kissed and made a fuss over by their folks and they get to hug their parents and feel and hear their heart beating and know that as long as their parents are around, there is nothing to be sad about.
They don't get to experience the shock i feel every time I see my parents older, slighter smaller looking, slightly more mellow.
They get to serve their parents, help them out in day to day matters whenever feasible. Meanwhile my mom is in hospital wracked with pain, unable to walk and I don't even know about it because they won't tell me because i am far and will worry.
They can even call their parents anytime they are low or their parents are low. if that happens then they can go over to see them, hold their hands or give them a hug. i can't do that. I cant even let my parents know if i am sad or if i have something on my mind and likewise neither can they.
My mom used to walk nearly 12 kms a day, in parts, for fun and exercise. Now she can barely get around. It breaks my heart to see it. I can't imagine how she is managing at home, with no domestic help whatsoever. My parents have never nagged us to come visit them, They mention it once in a rare while but then don't repeat themselves. Meanwhile parents here can't end one visit from their kids without trying to confirm the next. which I find annoying. probably because it is not my own folks. I understand wanting to see your kids as much as you can. I really do. I cant blame them. My feeling of annoyance comes from being unable to see my mother and father. My irrational anger at my husband is because of this.
Of course I am always guilty in my mind. I should go visit. I should call more often. I should delve into the nitty gritty details of their life. I should and I will.
On another note, I have completed 10/52 books I meant to read this year. i present to you the January and February 2017 roundup.
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