On missing people

I suppose it is important to have people who love you unconditionally in order for you to feel...replete, shall we say.

Be forewarned, this post is a tad pensive, as am I at present.

See the thing is, I rather miss talking to the people I love. My parents, my sister, my in laws and even my sister in law. I've stopped communicating with all of them a few months back, I had explosive situations with all of them in the same month. My parents refused to take my calls. My sister refused to acknowledge her extreme display of disrespect. My in laws, well, I don't quite know if they realize why exactly I am not speaking to them, And my sister in law neither loves me nor cares whether I am in her life or not. Just so long as her brother is.

Ironically, each of these people I have loved (and still love), like I've never loved in my life. while I am not one for small time chit chat over the phone, nor for sharing what is on my mind or why I maybe feeling down in the dumps unless inclined to, I have always, only ever thought about the welfare and happiness of these people. And I tried in any and every way to help them fulfill whatever they desired at any point in time. Interested in learning how to bake? Here's an assortment of cookbooks. Like birds? Here's a birdhouse for your garden. Don't splurge on yourself? Here's an expensive pair of sunglasses. When I learned to crochet, the first thing I did was make stuff for my family to use. Scarves, sweaters, beanies...and so forth. It has been 2.5yrs since  and I've yet to make anything for myself.

It is limitless, the list of things I have done and ways in which I have tried to show just how deeply I care. These things I'm aware, sound extremely superficial. However in order to get them I squashed deep down my own desires. My own wants. My own possible luxuries.

A few months ago I realised, shortly after the hideous occurrences, that something was very wrong with me indeed to have let things get this far. To be taken so much for granted. I mean you always take the ones you love for granted but things had reached another level. And it reflected strongly in the state of my health both physical and mental. I had no sense of self worth, extremely low self esteem and was very unhappy. It reflected in my weight which had ballooned to 150 kgs. I had to do something. I had to look after myself first. I would die shortly otherwise.

My father once said to me, that people probably look at me and snicker because I look like a "freak" I was that fat.

Up until he said so I still possessed a sliver of self confidence/esteem. Thereafter I lost what I had and am still struggling really hard to get it back. Truth be told I don't quite know how to recover.

So I stopped communicating with everyone all at once. Maybe someday my parents may miss me and want to call.Maybe they will go beyond my flaws and see me as I am and love me anyway. Maybe someday my sisters will let me know they're sorry and mean it. Maybe my in laws will realize I love them like i do my own parents treat me like their own daughter.Maybe they will stop doing or saying the little things that hurt big. Maybe my husband will understand why I can't bear to meet them.

Maybe they won't. Any of them.

I however have to persist in what I am doing. I have to take care of myself and I am really trying,
Only thing is I have almost no one to talk to and theres a void, see, inside my heart. But I am getting better I think. Maybe. Or numb.

Lonely.

Anyone would be lonely if the people they talked to almost everyday or every week were absent. It is a hole nothing seems to be filling. A diet rich in good shit and not in McDonald's doesn't help.

How to be happy, That is the question. That is the path. That is what I am traveling.